Tuesday, July 24, 2012

i'm sorry to adam

dear adam-

i am sorry that i was a bitch to you.  i am sorry i let other people influence my actions. i am sorry that i took your things as keepsakes (that is stealing! and i fully intend on making it right). i am sorry i allowed myself to rebound with you. you deserved a better me. a rebounded me, that would've really been awesome. i am sorry i did not love myself enough to love correctly you when you were my bf. it wasn't fair to you. i cannot regret my actions because they led me to leona and stella via matt, but i did us an injustice and i am sorry.

 i think you're an awesome person, i always have. you deserve nothing but happiness.

i am grateful to you for all of life's lessons you helped teach me. i am thankful to you for all of the sweetest and most romantic gestures you did for me. the things you did for me help me understand the human condition, and understand how deeply flawed i am, yet lovable, and that accepting my flaws was the only way i could make it out alive (until death). i am deeply appreciative of all the love you gave me. i have carried the confidence that helped me gain ever since. i think of you often and hope that someday we will have a comfortable place to reconnect. i adore your soul. if you ever need a friend, no one would be more interested than,

your old friend,


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

west wippels

thank you for offering to take my cats. it is best for them and they will make you happy. it is also a relief for me that they are happy. good thing all around. now we share family. thank you

back to thank you- eric

thank you for comforting me after my grandfather died.
 thank you for giving my something to look forward to after spending a week in the cancer ward in Indiana, watching my grandfather slowly die. when my mom and i drove back from the visit, i listened to the postal service's give up album about 200 times. i remember the moment i got back from that trip and you were waiting at my apartment. on my couch. i remember how i felt good for the first time in weeks. i will always cherish those feelings and thank you for your kindness. 

I'm sorry post to Eric

This post has been hard to start. I thought- hindsight is 20/20, oh cliche philosophy. I thought I could narrate the story I am trying to tell. I wholeheartedly just want to apologize and own my shortcomings without pointing a finger or placing blame anywhere else. I decided a finely tuned letter should do the job (there will be plenty of edits)-

Dear Eric-
I am so sorry that I was mean to you. You got so much of my serious crazy! Early twenties Ruby was wasteful, put SO MUCH ENERGY into trying to control things she couldn't control, was needy and didn't accept she was deeply flawed. I know now that I was demanding, hard to communicate with, a bad listener and I hardly reflected on anything to get a better understanding. I am so sorry I gave you so much crazy. I was in a weird-kind-of-bad place in my head. I am sorry I yelled at you and tried to control everything about our friendship and ultimately our more-than-friendship. No one deserves to be yelled at. I was yelled at my entire young life, and I know now it was abuse. I come across things from that time in my life- a journal entry on a computer or a physical letter form one of us. I was and am still a manipulative arguer. I still struggle with my own knack for arguing. I am sorry for not having any control over myself. I am sorry for not trusting you. I was entirely skeptical that a man could ever love me. I know now that I am lovable, and I am sure my husband is grateful. 

Apologizing is great, but I believe gratitude is more important. Thank you for being a part of my young life. Thank you for letting me try (and be erroneous) as a partner in a relationship. What we had helped me grow into the woman I am today, so I thank you for your role. I could thank you for days for all the great times we spent together and the nice things you did for me.